fallingsoon.blogg.se

I'm going to write this in english, only because I need to distans myself from it all. I can't make myself think about it too much, and using another language might help.

 

Through out my childhood I've expreienced thoughtlessness from my father. He always seemed to care more about the boys in the family and everything I did was never good enough. In ninth grade he pushed me over the edge, and we didn't speak for several years. I think that he has done it again. I've learned to be forgiving and accepting to how he is, I've taken a lot of crap through out the years that really wasn't mine. So when we started to talk again I made sure that he knew that I wasn't going to take his crap anymore. I was tired of not having my father in my life but at the same time I didn't want to feel as bad as I had felt when I was little. He told me he cared, that he wasn't going to let it affect me anymore. It lasted for about two seconds. And now we're here again. I'm sure that we've come to an impass that means we won't speak anymore. What he did this time is not something I can forgive. I'm not strong enough for that.

 

I moved recently and everyone who knows me knows that I've had a hard time with it all. For the first time in my life I'm seperated from my family, and I'm not going to lie, it hurts. I knew that my father was mad at me, so I waited for a good day to call him. Previously I asked both of my younger brothers if he seemed mad, and that said they didn't think so. But when I actually worked up the curage to call him I was met with a cold wall. He spoke in short sentences and made remarks that showed he was very much mad. My agenda with calling hom wasn't to make him more mad, I wanted him to hear from me, because he hasn't called me once in the last few months. It's hard to explain but he didn't care about anything that I said. He didn't want to speak to me at all and that hurt me really bad. I've done nothing wrong, really it's my mother he's mad at, but he takes it out on me. Foolish me thought that a father was meant to love and support his daughter. He didn't even ask how I was doing. These past few months have been some of the hardest ones in my life so far, and the fact that he doesn't care cuts deeper than any knife could ever do.

 

I lost my father today.