There's a million ways to go
Kategori: Stories about those who mattered
I stare at the blank screen. My hands rest on the keys but my fingers won't press down, no words appear. As my head fills with a million thoughts my mind turns blank and nothing. All at the same time. Everything and absolutely nothing. The feeling of desperation slowly creeps over me. The panic is growing inside my stomach, bigger and bigger with each breath I take. I want so badly to do good, to make magic appear on the page. But nothing. My back hurts. My eyes feel dry but filled with tears. It's so heavy, my head, so heavy that I can't focus on anything else. Breathing, I should be breathing. But I'm not. If I hold my breath an idea will form, my mantra is silly and it doesn't work. I take a deep breath. Exhale. Hyperventilate. Panic. More panic.
I close the dokument quickly. My hands hurt from staying so still, but now they're moving slowly. As I slowly let myself down I feel the world looking in on my, judging every breath, every hyperventilating breath. Every motion is being scrutinized even though I try, I try so hard to do good. Stretch my back, stand up, my knees hurt. Taking two steps back and sighing. Why isn't this working for me? Everyone else can do simple things like this, why can't I?
My gaze drops to the floor. It's looking rather inviting. Kneeling first, and then firmly placing my bum against the hard floor. Stupid. I feel so stupid and small. So, so small. Stretching my legs in front of me. Even my feet are stupid and small. My eyes close, and I lean back. The hard floor feels wierdly comforting against my acing back. Breathing slowly I open my eyes and stare at the white ceeling. Nothing. Nothing is running through my mind. But everything is there, always there. I want it to be quiet. Why can't it be quiet? Panic, so much panic. This is what I was built for. My maker didn't design me to be the one who makes it. I'm the one who stays behind. Why though?
A single tear leaves my dry eyes. It hurts to feel so empty but so full all at once.
